Category: Dating and Relationships
I have met a few blind couples who do not want to have kids because they are afraid that their kids might be blind just like themselves. On the other hand, people who are sighted have had blind kids and vice versa. I was just wondering what your thoghts were on this. Would you take that chance of having a child who might have vission difficulties? Why or why not? If your partner was opposed to it, what was his/her reasons?
if i wanted to have kids, i would love my children no matter what. if your big enough to lay down and try to bring life into the world, your big enough to take care of it. at least thats the way i see it.
If my blindness were genetic, and if I wanted to have kids of my own, I would take that chance, as it's not like blindness is a life-threatening thing. In other words, if I knew my kid had a chance of just being blind yes I'd still want to have him/her reguardless of whether or not they can see. If it were something else though, like say my future husband and I both had a recessive gene for a degenerative disability I'd be less willing to take a chance on that, but if I were to still have a child with that condition, I'd keep him/her as well for as long as God let me (which would include making the best medically and of course for that child during his/her lifetime.) But for now to be honest, I'd rather adopt and that's what I'd have in mind, at least for now and if I were married, as the whole thought of pregnancy I'm not too sure about. *smiles* And as far as that would go, I wouldn't mind adopting a blind child or one with almost any other disability, as I would see it more as a challenge and would want that chance to be able to love and care for that child.
Leilani
Actually, I shouldn't say "almost any other disability"; if my child happened to have any kind of disability at all, including one where he/she would only have a very short time to live, I would still accept that child as well and would still be happy to have had it alive with me, even if it was for a very short time. I know that's pretty off topic from the original question, but just wanted to clarify on part of my last post. *smiles*
Leilani
People have children and every person who eists has some health, medical, psysical issue as it is. If we would think what our children might inherit, the human race would cease to exist. Star
SG it’s a very good question and one which I can speak about from very personal experience. I am totally blind and have been since birth, however no one was ever able to determine the cause of my blindness, but there is no one else anywhere in my family with the condition, so it was deemed very unlikely that the condition was genetic. However, my son’s father has congenital cateracts, a condition which he inherited from his father and which his sister also has. He is not blind but is registered partially sighted. His sight is not too severely affected – he does not use any assistive technology with use on the computer etc, he just cannot see well enough to drive a car. However, when we discussed having children the question of whether our children would have sight problems was one which I thought very long and hard about. It wasn’t so much that it would bother me having a blind child, it was more a question of whether it is morally right to knowingly bring a child into the world which has something wrong with it. Having thought long and hard about the issue, we decided to have a child, as, the chances of the child being affected were about 50%, so therefore there was a 50#% chance the child would not be affected, and, if the child had a visual impairment, we were best placed to be able to deal with it. Well we struck lucky and Nathan has no problems with his eyesight.
It's something I to have discussed indeapth with my husband, and as my blindness isn't inherited we are currently trying. However, if it was discovered during pregnancy that my child was blind I'd love it no matter what. I simply wouldn't have done it to my child intentionally because I know how hard this world can be, and I wouldn't wish that kind of problem on any child of mine.
i dont care if the child was visually impared like me. i will accept what GOD gives me.
WhenArdeth and I discovered we were to be parents the 1st thing I thought after the shock was,will Alasdair inherit my condition ..if he had of course we would have been worried nevertheless he would have been as loved and wanted, as he is now, fully sighted ...
For me at least what caused my blindness has a large genetic component. Any kids I would have, have a 50% chance of getting it. However, doctors have gotten better at early detection and treatment. On the other hand I've also thought of adopting. That would be another safe option. Heh but I'm a bit of a ways from probably needing to consider it. So to sum up this ramble, I wouldn't necessarily *not have kids, but I have thought about the fact there are other options.
Forgive me for dropping the fly in the ointment so to speak, but, is it so wrong to want the best for your children? Don't get me wrong, if I had a child who was blind, I'd still love him or her as much, regardless, but, if I knew that my child was definitely going to be blind, I can say that I'm eighty percent sure I wouldn't want to have that child. Don't get me wrong, I accept my blindness, it's all I've ever known, but I don't think it's fair to knowingly inflict that on an inocent unbourn child. I'm not saying that it wouldn't rip my heart apart, because I know damn well it would, but like I said, I will always want what's best for my children, if or when I get around to having any in the future.
no sugar you are absolutely right, and if I knew for certain that any children of mine were going to be blind, or have any other disability for that matter, I wouldn't have had children, as much as that might hurt at the time. To knowingly bring a child into the world that has something wrong with it is, in my view, incredibly selfish. However, if there is only a possibility that the child will be blind, and there is an equal possibility that it won't, then this changes things slightly because although you know that the child may have something wrong, it also may be perfectly ok, as is the case for my own son. Then it comes down to risk and whether people want to take the chance that the child may be affected. I think though that this changes in situations where the condition is a debilitating illness for instance, in that case, even a possibility would prevent me from having a child.
I understand that bringing a child into the world may be wrong if I knew that they were going to have a disability, but I would do it anyway. I do not think that I am selfish, on the contrary, I think that to not do so would be. I feel that to deny my child life would not be fair to them. Although they may have something wrong with them, whether it be physical or mental, at least they can no the joys and sadnes that there is in life. I believe that it is better to have lived than not at all!!!
*sexy*
well, I think there is a fundamental difference in when you decide to bring that child into the world. for instance, If I became pregnant, and during that pregnancy it was established that the baby had a disability, I do not think that I could have the pregnancy terminated, however, that does depend on what the nature of the disability/medical condition was. if it was one where, for instance, the child would never have any quality of life, would technically be a vegetable from day one, I would terminate the pregnancy because I do not feel it would be fair to bring the child into the world, however, I think that that kind of decision is one which is almost impossible to make unless you are faced with it. When you become pregnant, your whole perspective changes, and when you feel that baby moving for the first time, nothing else matters.
however, I think that if someone told me before I conceived, that all my children would have some kind of disability, then I wouldn't have children.
I think that if God wanted me to hchildren and whether they had a disability or not I would still love them. (No offense to the people who don't believe in God)
What a tricky one. Also, I think, one that has to be considered on a case by case basis. For my part, if my unborn sprog was guaranteed to be blind, and I thought I could give it half as easy a childhood as I've had, I wouldn't have a problem bringing it into the world. Of course, that's one set of circumstances, one disability, just one of the potential parents' opinion, and entirely moot in my case anyway, since my blindness is a recessive congenital condition, so even in the extremely rare case that I paired off with someone who was also a carrier, the kids would have a 1 in 4 chance of being affected, and I'd take those odds.
Well, I've spent years trying to find out what my eye/ear condition is, only so that I'm fully aware of the genetic implications. I would like to be able to put a name to it though. I just wanted to be aware, and also have the apropriate information so that when a partner and I finally began to consider children, I could give them the choice of what they really felt they wanted to do. However on a personal level, it matters not to me whether my children would be blind or not. I have had a reasonable life, and with my experiences I believe I could prepare a child for an even better one. to suggest it's unfair to bring a child into the world knowing it would be blind/disabled, sounds to me a little like the old theory that gets thrown about saying how we are blind as a punishment. I've never seen it that way, and don't consider my life to be less for being blind. I often think as blind people, we see more than those with fully functional eyes, and after all, how much is there really that we can't achieve?
I actually forgot I'd read this before and commented, so to see my name there, was a bit odd. I think that, as I said before, if I knew my child would be blind, I'd have to think pretty hard about it, but, as my eye condition is not hereditory, it's possible my children will not be blind, even if the father of my children has some kind of hereditory gene. I also think though, if I did decide to have a child, knowing it would be possible that that child were to be blind, it'd depend why that child would be blind. For example, I have ROP, painless, and that's fine, but I wouldn't want my child to be in pain. Who would?
You bet I would want to have kids. And I would love them unconditionally regardless of any possible disabilities.
I think no one would dispute the fact that if one had a child with a disability then we would all love them regardless, however the point here is whether we would choose to have children if those children would be disabled. And I still think there is a fundamental difference between whether you would choose to have a child that had a chance of inheriting a disability, and having a child which was 100% going to inherit a disability. Let’s draw an analergy here. Let’s say you were in a situation where you had to go into a building to get something you’d left behind, let’s say that the building is full of big machines with blades going round and that, if you’re not careful, there’s a 50% chance that one of these blades will come down and sever one of your arms. But the thing you left in the building is important to you, so you take that chance, because you know that there’s a 50% chance that you will keep your arm. However, let’s say that they double the amount of blades, and now, if you go into the building, your arm will be severed, there is no way to stop that from happening unless you choose not to go into the building. I don’t believe any one of us would then choose to lose a limb if we knew there was an absolute certainty that would happen. So why would you choose to do that to an unborn child? And I’m not talking child that already exists in the uterous, because there is a difference. I’ve heard some say that it is better to live with a disability than not at all, however, that only applies if you are already alive. After all, a child that has not ever been conceived has never lived, has never experienced life, so therefore you cannot say that you have deprived that child of life. After all, a woman could tipically bear up to 20 children in her lifetime, but most women choose not to, could you then say that you had deprived 18 children of life because you had chosen to only have two children? What we need to ask ourselves is why we choose to have children. And for most of us, the reason for that is because we want to bring another person into the world, to expand the generation, and of course there is that biological need to have a child. But when we bring that child into the world, we want the best for that child, and I therefore still maintain that to knowingly conceive a child which you 100% know will have a disability is not doing the best for your child from the outset, because you are knowingly bringing a child into the world which will have problems in its life, will be treated differently to other children, which will have more obstacles to overcome than the average child. Because this isn’t just about whether we would love that child regardless, that child has to go out into society and become a human being in his/her own right, and as parents, we should look to give that child the best chance possible.
Claire, my problem with this is, that if we reverse it and say, If our parents had known before conception that we would be blind, do we think they should have chosen not to conceive us? That means we need to ask, would we rather have not been borne because we were going to be blind. I personally don't wish never to have been conceived, and so by the same account don't see why I should see that having a child with a disability as being wrong. To say they will have problems is totally negative. maybe it's realistic, but it's also negative. We have difficulties to overcome, but I don't know that my blindness really causes me any great problems. Because of my views on life, and why we live it, I often think we are blind so that we can learn a different lesson, so why is that wrong? To have a child that is disabled, is just to give a child a different set of circomstances to what is considered the norm, as long as we as parents are capable of giving that child a decent start to life, why is it so wrong?
I would be interested in having children whether my future wife be blind or fully sighted. There are always ways to accomplish things...
Oh yes of course I would. My vision problem can't be passed along so my children have the same risks of being blind as anyones elses. And even if my partner could give my child a vision problem I would love them still uncondishionally.
I would because I would love my kids, sighted, blind, deaf, and so on. It doesn't matter to me.
Troy
I would go ahead and have kids anyway if i knew there was a 100% chance of passing my condition on to them. I've been able to cope with being blind most of my life, so that would hopefully enable me to make my child's life even better than what I have experienced. Blindness is not a disability; it's a challenge to overcome.
Hmmm, I mean, I don't even know if I want kids, but not because of this aspect. I mean of course there is a high risk that my kids will be blind as well, but if oyu love kids and if oyu want to have some, you will even take this risk, i think.
Well, personally, I don't want children, but if it came down to it, and I finally decided to have children, I know for a fact my vision problem is not genetic, however, if my partner's is, and if I knew the chances of the child being blind were more than the chances of not, I would probably not have the child. I wouldn't want the child to go through what I had went through as a blind child, as it can be very very difficult on a child's mindset.
I would see no reason that the chance that my kids might be blind would stop me.
After all, did your parents do that to you?
If you think about it, just say to your self @well i can liv a nice happy life and i can get around fine, theres no reason that they shoodn't.@
BEN.
Kev you said exactly what I was going to. TO have your parent come out and say to you that if they had have known you were going to have a dissability they woudn't have bought you into the world, is absolutely devistating, and I don't think a justifiable reason not to have a chid t all. We spend out whole lives going around trying to convince the world and ourselves that we aren't any less of anything because of our dissabiliities,and yet when faced with a question like this. the majority of us are as narrow minded about it as the people thta we come acros every day. For my own situation personally. I am blind through cancer that can be passed on. I don't care if my child is blind deaf, paralised interlectually disabled or anything like that. but if that child will be in pain, and his/her life is in danger, that's where I have to reconsider. I think though, that I would have the baby regardless, and seeing as I plan on having at least 2 children. we will just have to deal with the consequences when and if they happen.
I wouldn't let blindness stop me from having kids. But it would depend on the cause of the blindness. I know a couple who both had retinoblastoma and weren't aware that they could pass this along to their children. Even though both of them lived to adulthood and are still in good health, their child only lived to age 5 and was never healthy. I found it hard to believe that no doctor had ever advised them not to have children.
PUggle, I totally agree with you. Disability (if it is not painful and dangerous) would not stop me from having children if I wanted some.
I wouldn't mind, but I don't want to have kids anyways.
OK, let me bring this topic back up with another hopefully related question. Have any of you experienced being told by your parents or someone important in your life that it wouldn't be a good idea for you to have kids because of your blindness? My mom came right out and said to me a couple years ago that I shouldn't. She also told me to stop dating blind guys because they're all fucked up, and pretty much expects me to remain a virgin forever. I also read somewhere about a father who was very controlling of his blind daughter and wanted to force her to get her tubes tied. I don't know how common this really is these days, and I'm not bringing this up because I'm planning on having kids yet. I'm only 20 and have a long way to go before I feel emotionally stable and confident in myself enough to know that I would be able to provide for them the way I should. But to answer the original poster's question, I have mixed feelings about it. On one hand, I wouldn't wish some of my childhood experiences as a result of being blind on anyone, but I also feel like I would be able to do a better job than my parents because I've been there, done that. On the other hand, I'd feel helpless if I couldn't prevent things such as bullying and being treated like a second-rated citizen, so I'm not sure I'd want to knowingly put a vulnerable child through that. But perspectives on these things change all the time, so who knows what I'll be saying in 1 year or 5 years from now?
Wow, Turtle, you did bring this one back from the archives. *Smile*
I should start out by saying that I do not want children, but it is not because of blindness. I believe that blind people can be good, competent parents, even if both are blind. I have various reasons for not wanting children, but blindness is not one of them. If I did want kids, yes, I would take the chance of having a blind child. If I adopted, I would even consider adopting a blind child from another country, so that they could have a better life and more opportunities here in the US.
Turtle, I have never been told by anyone that I should not have kids because I am blind. I'm sure there are many members of my family who think it, but they know better than to come right out and say it to my face. They used to tell me they hoped I'd date a sighted man, who could take care of me, and learned that I didn't react too well to that. Now I think they're used to be dating blind men, and they don't seem to have a problem with it.
However, I have heard of many situations like the one you described. A friend of mine was told as a teenager not to bother even taking an interest in girls, because he was blind and would never find one anyway. I've known Social Services to try and take children of blind couples away, saying that they were not fit to be parents because of their blindness. It's not always easy on blind parents or children, but it is possible.
What I think of this is expressed well in posts 11, 12 and 14.
To knowingly inflict a disability on a child is selfish. Anyone who would do that can't think past their own desires. I do recognize that when you have a biological yearning to bear your own offspring, this is extremely hard to do. To have to face that it should not be done must be painful, and feel unfair.
As a parent or potential parent, though, you have a duty to give your offspring the best possible chance, and burdening him with a disability knowingly is clearly eschewing that responsibility.
Sure, some of us function very well with our blindness. That doesn't automatically mean that your child would. You can't know beforehand what another person may feel unable to cope with. Certainly you hope for the best, but you can't guarantee it. It is presumptuous to assume that your child will be just like yourself. I would not wish to see my child suffer unnecessarily, as a child, or as an adult, later, over a condition that could be avoided. No one can deny the fact that it's simply harder to make your way in the world without sight. The statistics prove that most of us have difficulties in even acquiring jobs!
I could love a blind child, of course, but that is a separate discussion. I would be willing to adopt a blind child, absolutely.
I am not bothered by the thought that my parents might have chosen not to have me, either. I find this a foolish argument that does nothing to convince anyone with sense that it is wise to willingly bring into being a disabled person. If I wasn't here...well, so what? I wouldn't be here to be offended! LOL
Wow. What an interesting topic. I totally forgot that I posted this way back when. haha One of my tamer topics I see. lol Reading through this, I have concluded that my opinion on this matter has not changed after 4 years. If I knew that my kids were going to inherit my eye condition, I would still go ahead and have kids. Call me selfish call me cruel but I would. Amen to post 29! I grew up with my parents regreting my disability and it is the worse feeling in the world. Even now, after living on my own for 4 years, my parents are still afraid I will start a fire and don't believe in my abilities. My fiance's blindness will always be a problem for them. I've tried explaining to my mom that my life is just fine and sure I have to do things a little differently but I get them done. Such is life in an Asian family. In my own life, my biggest problem is family acceptance. I know not everyone's life will be the same and have the same problems but I feel that if my children were to grow up blind like I did, I will be aware of what kinds of problems they can face and therefore be able to help them get through them. I know that they won't have family acceptance as their main problem and this would go a long way to helping my children and I face anything we need to. That is my 23 year old view on the matter. lol Let's see what I'll think after 4 more years.
Yeah, I've heard of the whole thing about Social Services taking away children from blind parents, and that's sad. I guess people who say these things mean well, but hello, it is the 21st century, and you'd think after my parents raised me they wouldn't have such a negative view on the matter. Makes me wonder what they really think about my abilities and worth as a person, but I've learned to take those comments with a grain of salt because I know blind people can be good parents just like anybody else. They could also be bad parents, but so are many sighted people, so that argument alone isn't valid.
One of the reasons I have decided not to have children is because they would inherit my eye condition, which happens to be cancer. If it were almost any other eye condition, I wouldn't care so much, but in my opinion, cancer is not to be messed around with, especially not when it's that close to the brain. But, I'm with Michelle on this. Who better to raise a blind child than blind parents, who already know what it's like? Blindness is not such a tragedy as some on this board seem to thik it is. It's sad to me when even those of us who are blind view it that way.
it all depends on your philosophy of blindness and life in general.
If you think blindness is a horrible tragedy, then probably you wouldn't bring a child in to the world.
If on the other hand, you think blindness is just another characteristic and can be dealt with and that life will go on, you would choose to bring a child in to the world.
Interestingly, Dr. Jacob Bolotin the first blind doctor, married a sighted woman that was terified of having a blind child. If she couldn't live with the possiblility of having a child that was blind, I'd seriously think twice before marrying her. Why is she marrying me, a blind guy, if she can't live with another blind person, namely her own child? What are her views of blindness and me as a man?
Just some food for thought.
its a very interesting topic indeed.
at the point of time for writing this post, i would think that depends on my better half. if he blindness is due to some genetic problems, and would have the fair chance inherit to our offspring, i would perhaps, not take the chance of having kids. but yet, i somehow thinks that, our loveship will overcome this problem of either to have kids or not to have kids. i'm not worry being a blind parrent, in fact, as above poster said, who can be a better parent for the blind other than blind parent itself? but, me personally have gone thru the deficulty in life as a blind person, i somehow, do not wish my offspring have the same rute as i do. and i think, its not fair by knowing the chance of the offspring to become blind, and persue the desterny for him or her and their future.
i witnesses friends of mine who is blind, who have blind parents blaim their parents of having them. of course, that seems a bit too dramatic, but, i personally see how bad they suffer, in particular cases of RP. yet, this is depends on individuals to individuals, but, as i said, it is just the point of writing that i have such thought. who knows what happen. perhaps things will be much better in the next 10 years time, people who have disability will have better quality of life... but still... *grin*.
although i'm saying so, however, overall, love domenates everything *smile*
My husband and I both have Retinopathy of Prematurity which is not a genetic eye condition, therefore, both our babies can see. We have made the decision to only have two biological children for the purpose of someday being able to adopt two children. We feel that if we can make their lives better than ours,why not? We've discussed adopting blind children, particularly those from a third-world country so that they could have a better life here. If a doctor told me that my condition were genetic and could kill my child- such as cancer- then I would choose not to have children. Blindness to me is a challenge but it's not a handicap. I also have cerebral palsy which makes it difficult for me to move around as easily as people like my husband who is just blind, but I consider that to be just a challenge to overcome. My cerebral palsy did cause issues in my pregnancies and still does disable me in some ways when it comes to caring for my kids, but my husband is willing and able to compromise. For instance, I have a hard time with diaper changing but I instead do all the feeding. I breastfeed my daughter as well as making sure Nathaniel eats nourishing meals and snacks during the day.
I absolutely would bring children into the world knowing they'd be disabled, because I’d wanna give them the best life I possibly could for as long as I was able. some people see that as being selfish, but I think that’s a narrow-minded thing to say. I think of how I was mistreated by my own mom who couldn’t handle my blindness, and that’s one of the reasons this is a subject close to my heart. I think of how I felt growing up, and I wanna give my kids a better life than I had. choosing not to have children you know will be disabled is one of the most selfish things, in my opinion. I know I couldn’t live with myself if I chose not to be a parent for such selfish reasons as me not wanting to take on the challenge of my kids being disabled. it’s an easy way out for someone who doesn’t wanna take the responsibility of loving and caring for a human being they brought into the world because of a difference they don’t think they can cope with. sure struggles will undoubtedly be a part of that child or children’s life, but it’s all in how we approach it.
I'm with post 33; at least on the startlement to having written here as "Witchcraft". However, in the past 4 years I think my opinion has actually changed from my original idea. No, my blindness is not inherited, but even if it were I don't see the big deal. That's like saying if you know there's a chance your child will have to ware glasses (and get called "4eyes"), be pale skinned (and have trouble engaging in outdoor activities), or be short (and get called "midget") you shouldn't have children. Everyone has problems, no matter the outer appearance, and I'd rather have a baby knowing it will be loved instead of sighted parents who have babies and only hurt them and teach them about hatred and pain. I heard about a week ago about a baby boy less than 6 months old who was born addicted to either heroine or crack (I don't remember all of it now), and now he has a broken arm and leg because his mother through him. Social services will not get involved and the parents have stated that if someone wanted to take him no questions asked they'd give him away. Now, which is worse? Getting pregnant with the knowledge you may pass on a difference, or keeping an innocent child whom you obviously hate and can't take care of? Which is selfish?